I Love Craigslist
One of the best, if not the best websites out on the information superhighway, is Craigslist. In my extensive survey, all one people voted for Craigslist, narrowly edging eighttranniesonecup.com, which had zero votes. Upset city! For those unfamiliar, Craigslist is essentially an interactive classified ads section encompassing the sale of people (kids are more valuable than adults, though many adults “work” for free rent and other arrangements), worthless junk (a wall-mounted singing fish that only sings Ricola commercials?!), ridiculous dating arrangements (57-year-old male stroke victim seeks beautiful, slim, athletic teenage blonde?!), and jobs that are dangerous and low-paying (In-home masseuse for competitive video gamer with bed sores?!). It’s a one-stop-shop to finding virtually any degenerate and/or counter-productive thing that used to be a logistical nightmare to obtain. Now it’s streamlined for your convenience! With that said, I’m here to help you navigate the greatest website yet conceived.
Love sure is hard to find. But with Craigslist, love is but a click away. Heck, even in lowly, frozen Vermont you can find some eligible bachelors. That’s right, ladies. Take this guy, for example: He is a “young 47,” looking for a 20-year-old because he “loves that new car smell.” It gets better. He’s only looking for someone “clean inside and out.” I bet they’re forming a line around the block for this guy. Maybe not. Perhaps that’s a little too much commitment, yes? No need to cry over spilled milk, though. He’s far from the only guy out there.
If you’re more into the direct, I-know-what-I-want type, this gentleman may fill that void in your life. Here’s what he had to say: “Cocksucker wanted. 45 (burl, essex, any area. Lol). Write for details.” I had to read this again. I found it confusing. What remaining obstacles could there be? It seems pretty straightforward. Then again, there are tons of women out there wondering if there really are any men out there who want to receive a blowjob. I certainly have yet to meet a man that has expressed his desire to receive such a service. And I feel relieved.
But there is a sensual, playful side to some of these postings, as well. It’s important to get in touch with your inner-kid and just let loose sometimes, ya know? Who knows, you might find some one. Like this guy: “I am looking for a kindred spirit that enjoys, sex, baths, and cereal. So why not try them all at the same time?” His list is pretty picky, though. Cereals include Fruity Pebbles, Corn Pops, Cocoa Puffs, Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula, among others. No Grape Nuts or Special K. Sorry, hippies. The milk must also be 2% only. Vitamins, of course. Also, it’s critical that you “must be comfortable in the doggie style position. I don’t see any other way to avoid shrinkage and still let you enjoy your cereal before it becomes too mushy.”
If you give it a chance you’ll also find that the posters are rarely hypocrites, and are really open-minded, sensitive folk who find the tumult of dating in real life far too traumatizing. My personal favorite comes from a self-proclaimed chubby 5’8 210 lbs. man looking for a tall, slender woman. She must be thin. “If your belly is bigger than your chest, it’s a real turn off.” Later, I saw a posting from a man just begging to have someone pee in his mouth. Again, I suspect vitamins played a key role in this.
There are some sad stories though. It’s all fun and games ‘til someone dresses their genitals in animal costumes. My heart goes out to this poor girl. “You said you would send cock picks. WFM…We met at the furry convention. You said you would dress your little soldier up in a piggy costume and send it to me, along with the pics. I said I would put it on my toy, and take pics of my vagina eating the little piggy. You never sent it. I waited. What happened? I even shaved mine to look like a tiger. Grrrr!” That’s a sorry story, Tigger. Talk about unrequited love.
I know what you’re thinking—these guys are too good for me! You’re thinking, “How will I ever find true love that demands I suck their cock, pee in their mouth, be blonde, athletic, under 25, lather it up in a bathtub full of Fruit Loops, and wear animal suits while dry humping until our genitals are red with carpet burns? All the good guys must be taken.”
Guys–the choices for the ladies aren’t exactly the Miss Brazilian Pageant, either. Some seem like normal, fun, engaging people. They will never e-mail you back. I know, it sucks. But who knows, maybe by jotting down some of these tips, you might just sweep one of those dames right off their stilettos.
Tips:
1) The headline is the most important thing you write. It has to be witty, playful and refined. They will never click on the post if they aren’t intrigued.
2) English is your friend. DON’T YELL AT PEOPLE WITH CAPS! IT HURTS THEIR EARS!
3) It’s not about you. Perhaps you might want to tell a prospective date a bit about yourself, and also what you can do for them. Crazy, I know but reciprocity is highly valued!
4) Pictures are needed. Don’t send genitalia pictures either. Take it from me, it’s not a good idea.
Be mindful that you are competing against a lot of other posters vying for the attention of a man/woman. I guarantee you the majority of the e-mails you receive are going to sound great. They’re scams. Tatiana and Mariana are from Russia and want “make baby America” and here’s the kicker—the Russian mafia is involved. In Mother Russia, 911 call you! That’s never a good call. It’s best to steer clear of that. Also, any e-mail you receive requiring you to join a website to see their profile is a scam. So when you receive 20 e-mails from beautiful Russian girls who seems to really like you for you, BEWARE! You were warned.
If you can get past the scams and the crazy folk, Craigslist, my friends, is the land of e-opportunity for a budding entrepreneur. Check this out: Just hit a deer and don’t know what to do with Bambi’s battered carcass? Sure, you could leave it on the road. You could even call the police. But shouldn’t we all be more conscious of recycling and not being wasteful in these hard times? If you can lug a dead deer or moose (if you’re the type used to throwing kegs over walls on ESPN2) into your car and drive it to Norfolk, Virginia, a guy will butcher the meat for you and give you half. But don’t just bring this guy a little chipmunk you squashed beneath the wheels of your Suburban Assault Vehicle. Sorry Alvin, only Bullwinkle and Bambi were invited. He’ll even label it for you! Win!
But it gets better—Craigslist recognizes the difficulties of the job market and the unreliable job-hunting market. They have crappy jobs that no one with any sense of dignity or intelligence would even consider applying for. It might just be the perfect job for you when you realize that a degree in Art History wasn’t the shrewdest of moves. Just the other day I found one in California that seems to be burgeoning with potential:
“The Hair Whisperers Lice Removal service is looking for someone based in San Francisco to remove lice and eggs from people infected with lice. Qualified candidates should have valid driver’s license, great close up eyesight, feel comfortable going into people’s homes, be personable, good with children, and extremely detailed oriented. Squeamish people need not apply.”
Okay, I recognize that you might still be concerned about the market and afterall, relocating to California to pick lice out of people’s hair isn’t for everybody. You’re still worried that in a serious recession, jobs will be hard to find, right? They will be. Sorry, I know that sounded promising at first. But look at what there is out there:
“I’m going out of town between December 20th and January 3rd, and I need someone to take care of my guinea pig. Newton is a 4-year-old male whose hobbies include blank staring and squawking when he runs out of carrots. Although he wrote the fundamental laws of physics in his younger years, he now prefers eating carpet to advance the understanding of natural phenomena. In spite of his catatonic stupor, Newton is super cute.”
Maybe you’re aware of CL but have had some trouble getting people to date you, hire you, buy your stupid stuff. But they have some great apartment listings. There are some things to watch out for, though.
1) If you have to garden and knit blankets in the nude in exchange for free rent, my suspicion is those won’t be the only things you’ll be “asked” to do in the nude. Save a little money (from your job house-sitting gerbils and picking lice out of scalps) and look for a decent apartment.
2) “Up-and-coming neighborhood” means you’re likely to get shot before the neighborhood is anything near gentrified. Avoid.
3) If there isn’t any mention of the apartment features or dimensions, and only information regarding the surrounding amenities and sites nearby, the apartment is probably the size of a dog kennel with faulty wiring, and leaks. Potentially, there might be a homeless guys crashing on your couch, drinking your orange juice because the lock on your door doesn’t work and the bum “felt comfortable, man.” Once again, avoid.
Okay, now that you’re still jobless, single, unable to find anyone to buy your vintage Ronald McDonald action figures, and living in an apartment where roaches crap in your refrigerator, I’ll concede that Craigslist isn’t the greatest website ever. Next time I’ll ask more people for my survey. But if we’ve learned anything, dear reader, it’s that Craigslist could potentially be the most entertaining website out there.
State and Local Governments Ban Driving on Roads to Limit Second-Hand Smog
In an effort to improve the United States’ declining air quality, many local and state governments have passed legislation to limit the effects of second-hand car smog. The various off-shoots of Eugene, Oregon’s Hopefully Cleaner Air Act, if enforced, will reduce emissions from vehicles by as much as 84%, and will lessen second-hand smog to pedestrians and drivers across the nation, a spokesman from the Environmental Protection Agency said Thursday.
Proponents of the act expressed joy that air quality will finally be of a standard that is healthy to inhale. To effectively reduce the emissions scientists say are harmful, state and local officials are banning the use of many roads and taxing the purchase of automobiles, auto parts and gasoline by as much as 45%. Meanwhile, many private businesses have organized into opposition groups stating that their businesses will be hurt, and as taxpayers, they should have say in the conditions of who drives on their roads. “If these anti-smog people want to be on roads without smog, why not just build different roads with electric-only vehicles and bicycles? Let capitalism sort this one out,” Montana resident Victoria Geller remarked.
Second-hand car smog, according to scientists, is said to affect individuals who don’t own vehicles that emit harmful pollutants, and display minute medical problems from simply being in contact with passing cars. Driving presents the biggest danger to the driver and other occupants in the vehicle, as they directly inhale harmful emissions upon entering and exiting the vehicle, but the fumes are air-born pathogens that eventually spread to the lungs of joggers, pedestrians, dog-walkers, working professionals in urban and suburban settings, and most importantly, children.
Eleven anti-car activists from Vermont were allegedly catalysts for the clean-air movement. Director of the influential group Vermont Intolerance Center for Totally Irritable Mothers (VICTIM), Joan Appenal, in between bites of a Big Mac and sips of an 84-ounce Diet Coke, said to local reporters, “Despite there being little credible evidence that smog blowing from an automobile has ever killed anyone, we felt that it was important that everyone be forced to conform to our wishes because we simply know what’s best for everyone, and we find their behavior annoying. One way or another, they’ll have to do as we say. Otherwise, we’ll complain until the government and frustrated drivers simply can’t take it anymore and cave in to our pressure.”
Opponents of the bill opine that the ban infringes their right to make unhealthy choices for themselves and others, with many believing that a small but powerful lobby has misrepresented the facts. “I love driving. There’s a tremendous sense of pride I get out of it,” Pennsylvania coalmine worker Jerry Yalway said. “There’s something delightful about increasing national asthma rates, and releasing harmful contaminants into the atmosphere. Also, pissing people off who always find something to complain about is really satisfying. Half of the time I drive is just to be spiteful to these crybabies.”
Yalway, who has recently filed a lawsuit against the State of Pennsylvania for banning running vehicles on his private driveway, continued his tirade, saying, “Driving aimlessly in my Hummer H2 in my driveway and in crowded cities is a fantastic way to cope with the crushing hardship of modern life and the declining rights of citizens across what was once a great nation. Man, I don’t know what I’m going to do now.”
The ban calls for all driving to be restricted to an oval race-track in the eastern section of Kentucky and interstate highways, where there is little risk of endangering the lungs of passerby’s.
Smokers who also drive, a group already affected by many bans, seem to be hit hardest by the new mandates. Jordan Resling, a systems analyst from Middletown, NY, feels that lobbyists of the clean air movement have gone too far, infringing upon her God-given right to drive and to smoke as well. “First these cry-babies tell me that I can’t smoke in bars or restaurants or within 100 feet of certain buildings, and now they say I can’t drive anymore because they might be harmed? Now I have to go all the way to fucking Kentucky? I have rights too, damnit! I mean, if this is such a problem, why don’t they just have non-smoking bars only accessible by pedestrian-only streets?”
University of Yale Professor of Sociology Reginald Q. Epstein says the various bans are due to increased pressure from a loud, organized minority. “In recent years, increased social pressure to stop driving has caused friction between drivers and non-drivers. People have millions of ways of telling drivers to screw off, like the ‘Polite Cough’ or the ‘Stare of Turn-Off-The-Engine’, and when those fail non-drivers walk up to the windows of drivers and deliver some sort of fact about the danger of driving before walking away, convinced that they’ve set the driver on the proper path. It’s a mix of genuine belief and arrogance.”
New research has shown that third-hand car smog may also be damaging to the general public. Particles from exhaust pipes can latch onto hair fibers and clothing, and have shown to increase the likelihood of respiratory problems and lung afflictions from those who eat their hair fibers and clothing. Even beyond that, some scientists have published reports that fourth-hand smog may be another serious health risk. Fourth-hand smog is characterized by watching actors on television stand near running vehicles. Recently, American Movie Classics has been asked by a number of groups to stop showing movies with automotive vehicles in them.
Automobile makers strenuously denied claims that their products have caused any adverse health effects. Calling the scientific claims “junk science,” the industry pointed to “independent” research from The Coalition of Drivers Who Could Give Two Shits (CDWCGTS), who say, contrary to other claims, “inhaling these various particles is actually good for you,” and furthermore, “it also goes really well with beer, fried food and cigarettes. Hell, we’re trying to make it a section of the food pyramid.”
The Federal Government has also enacted a law that requires the automotive industry to create advertising campaigns touting the benefits of being drive-free, similar to the universally appreciated “Truth” campaign from the tobacco industry.
Anything that can adversely affect the quality of life or even perceived annoyances, is expected to be reviewed by Congress later this year. On the agenda includes possible restrictions on farting in public places, wearing perfume that doesn’t reek of lavender or jasmine, fried food, and swearing in public.
Government May Bail Out Electric Wheelchair Industry
Washington–With large banks, brokerage houses and automakers in line for government bailouts, other flailing businesses are waiting their turn for a rescue package as well. Hoveround, maker of electric wheelchairs, has lobbied to Congress to save the mobile innovator, which has come under fire from critics who cite poor financial planning, wasteful acquisitions, outrageously high pension fund payments, and Hoveround unions among the many reasons the Florida-based company is near bankruptcy. Politicians from both sides of the aisle, as well as the public, are hesitant to endorse such a plan due to the rapidly accelerating cost of the $700 billion-plus economic bailout, as well as the consumer confidence the American citizens have for what they see as mismanaged, greedy corporations.
Tom Kruse, CEO of Hoversphere, spoke to Congress recently, saying, “Hoveround is synonymous with American innovation and industry. If we let Hoveround go down, who will be there to give Betsy Sue her opportunity to never walk again? If Hoveround files for bankruptcy America will lose close to 1.5 million jobs and countless families will be left out in the cold. Also, we need money. Lots of it. How does $10 billion sound?”
Congresswoman Joanne Birdel (R) of Montana disagreed, attacking Kruse and the other American personal mobile go-mobile companies like Rascal. “Even the new changes cannot begin to reverse the history of mismanagement and cost this will burden on the hard-working American. Rascal Scooters and Pride Mobility are not fairing much better. There is something fundamentally wrong with this business model.”
Jason Young (D), congressman from New Jersey, also questioned the possible bailout. “Cronyism, collusion and interlocking boards continue to be one of the central issues to this serious economic downturn,” he said. “Injecting more cash into this model will do nothing to solve the problem. The only decisions the executive board at Hoveround have made in the last five years are having required employees to wear Life Alert systems, removed computers and instead use an abacus for accounting, and have placed arthritis medication in vending machines throughout their plants and headquarters. We need real innovation, competitive but fair wages for workers, more Bingo nights and most of all, a clear vision for the future.”
Young continued, saying he felt allocating resources toward other problems would be more fruitful for the average American. “The taxpayers need to save their money to support the financial burden of the baby boomers approaching retirement age and of course, the poor fiscal decisions they made along the way.”
When any pension fund fails, usually as part of a bankruptcy, the government takes over its assets as well as its payments to retirees. With 99.87 percent of Hoveround workers already retired and collecting pension benefits, at a total cost of $6 trillion, most citizens are concerned that their salaries will be footing the bill.
The unions have refused to lower their wages to keep the company and industry afloat. However, in an effort to drum up support for the average American, Hoveround employees will be visiting families door-to-door. Jeremy Wishel of Connecticut was surprised to see Hoveround employee Reginald Morris at his door. “This old guy just walked into my house, hugged and kissed me, rambled on about his grandson and the war. He then proceeded to tell me that nobody does their job properly anymore before making this odd noise and falling asleep to Matlock on my couch.” Kruse has called the initiative “successful,” and a good way for the company “to get to know the real Americans.”
Consumer Reports analyst Brooke Ungler believes the foundation of the problem is the corporations not adjusting to changing markets. “American HoverSUV’s are energy-guzzling beasts with the capability to go underwater, and in some models, even hover! The 90’s reflected the big demand in off-road personal mobility vehicles but that’s not what the consumer wants anymore. Mildred doesn’t need to hover or take her HoverSUV bird watching on mountains. She hasn’t for a while; it’s inefficient, wasteful and not a reflection of the market. These companies have resisted change for so long this was bound to happen. Bankruptcy is inevitable with or without a bailout.”
Hoveround once held a controlling share of the electric wheelchair market, but increased competition from Japanese makers Mr. Roboto, and Hello Wheelchair!, along with Swedish maker Panthera and German company Das Rolling Chair, have spelled disaster for the “large two”—Rascal and Hoveround. Their competitors have been able to cut costs in pensions, wages and in the assembly process, something the Americans have not been able to achieve. These factors have dropped Hoveround to an all-time low 19 percent control of the industry. Kruse maintains that he still has high hopes for the industry, telling reporters that military-issued Hoveround and Unicorn models will be made available to the public by spring 2009.
As executives from the electric wheelchair companies exited Congress, 9-year-old Timmy Johansson, owner of Timmy’s Swell Lemonade Stand, snuck in and lobbied to Congress to save his business. In between crying fits, Johansson pleaded, “But, gee whiz, nobody is buying my sweet lemonade because nobody drives anymore! I only need $2 billion to move my operation from a red wagon to a kiosk, and then I can hire some neighborhood kids like Johnny Gugliano and Matt Racents and we can turn this economy around.”
Neighborhood insiders are skeptical of Johnansson’s plea. One insider said, “The community has long known that Timmy doesn’t even fresh squeeze his lemons, and he waters them down. Plus, he pays Christa Thompson $100 a day to work at the stand because he thinks she’ll go out with him.” The source continued, speculating that Timmy’s stand has lost revenue to better competition. “Nikunj Rhakapsur, the Indian kid on Franklin Street makes much better lemonade for way cheaper. He squeezes the lemons right in front of you and he works all day long!”
Congress will meet Friday to discuss the matter.
